blogging under the hormonal influence

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Gimme a C, Gimme a V, Gimme an S - what's that spell?! Chorionic Villus Sampling, come on, pay attention.

Had my CVS yesterday. Something I highly recommend if you're into being uncomfortable, terrified and in pain. I guess it wasn't that bad. Then again, nothing is in hindsight... almost nothing, I am still a little intimidated by my own ovaries.

All went as planned, as far as I know, having never had a CVS. Is waiting for 2 hours in a cramped lobby full of disgruntled couples normal? How about being left in an arctic freezing cold examination room for another half hour, with no pants and a thin threadbare sheet? Oh, what about a sonogram technician who gives you absolutely no information and only spends about 10 minutes tops on your exam before bolting from the room never to return with further instructions?

The only plus to the whole ordeal was having the CVS itself performed by Dr. Cliff Huxtable. But, even my time with him was limited to about 15 minutes. The majority of which he rambled on a spiel that I'm sure he recites all day long to the faceless vaginas he finds himself in front of. Something about who invented the speculum and how they've traced it back to the Egyptians. Telling me to go to "my happy place" in order to relax my muscles.

My happy place... um, yeah... been lookin'!

And to help me find such a place he started my journey for me...

"Picture yourself on a dream vacation, on a pink sand beach with a sparkling ocean before you, as you take that last long sip of your virgin pina colada..."

Virgin! I get it! 'Cause I'm pregnant... nice touch!

"...the steward approaches you to ask if there's anything else he can get you. You think for a moment, but you are so content that nothing could really make your day any better. How about some warm chocolate chip cookies? Coming right up!"

This went on and on and I'm pretty close with the details, no kidding. Then I realized that the fucking catheter wasn't even in yet. I mean how many cookies can I possibly eat! Now I'm worried that my bathing suit is getting tighter and tighter and I look fat and I'm going to have to wrap my towel around me in order to get back to my hotel room with my dignity intact.

Thanks a bunch Cliff, now I'm tense again. But, he did give me something to be annoyed at and if anything, that is my happy place.

When we were all done I was given two enormous maxi-pads as a parting gift. Walked back to the car feeling like if I stepped on a crack my uterus may fall out. Made it home and straight into bed. I've been here ever since.

I did bleed a little yesterday, which I knew to expect. Even a little blood freaks me out though. I never even spotted with my first pregnancy and I've been conditioned to think that when blood is present there is a problem. So, I tried to ignore it and chalk it up to normal post CVS activity. It seems to be subsiding today.

I'd say the strangest part of the whole day yesterday was my emotional reaction to seeing the baby. It seemed out of place to me that there was a baby inside me and it wasn't R. I don't know how else to describe it.

With R., we had a Nuchal Translucency before getting an Amnio. At the Nuchal, we got a good hour or more of watching him up on the screen, getting to see him move around and count all his fingers and toes. It was a real bonding experience and I remember feeling for the first time that day that there was a real live baby in there. I mean, earlier ultrasounds were just blobs with little blinking heartbeats, but with the Nuchal there was no mistaking that that was a baby. And from then on, inside of me was his little home.

So, when I saw this new baby in there it felt like a rude house guest who makes himself a little too at home. I felt almost territorial for R. That's his uterus, who the hell let you in? It probably also doesn't help that one too many of my ultrasounds with this pregnancy have been under painful circumstances.

For the most part though, I am really excited about the new addition. When I can get past the hormone induced depression and the times when I'm not confined to my bed for one reason or another, it's been all good.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Finding Rudolf Steiner

Today's craving and tonight's dinner: hard shell tacos with all the fixings. 

I had 4.

I am not ashamed.

And, I plan on having one of the pudding cups that Dave also brought home from the market. Is he an enabler or what?

R. and I started our new session of mommy and me today. We go once a week at a Waldorf school. This is our second session. We started going because apparently it is easier to get into the school of your choice when the time comes, if you were already enrolled in the mommy and me classes.

I'm starting to panic a little about the whole school thing. I live in Los Angeles and among the many heinous things about this town, the competition to get into the "right" school is outrageous and incredibly intimidating. I can't even believe I need to start thinking about schools. And the truth is, I'm kind of late to the game.

I've said it before, I'm not sure I'm sold on the whole Waldorf thing yet. It's all a little too, shall we say, fruity, for my taste. The particular school we go to is pretty hard core. That means we have to sing these creepy little songs that are right out of the Victorian Era. We make little felt bunnies and play with wooden toys and dolls with no faces. Also, the kids aren't supposed to watch any TV or see any movies. A little awkward for me today when R. would respond to any question with a hearty "NEMO!". I do, however like their basic philosophy. As far as their teaching style, we'll see if it's a fit for R., only time will tell.

My biggest concern is, we hadn't really looked into anything or anyplace else. And from what I understand, most of the "good" schools around here required me to have had him enrolled before my 6 month of pregnancy. It's crazy.

So, we might get stuck with a son who walks around the house singing about Typhoid Mary. I could really use that pudding.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Helter Skelter

I had to blog if only to save my ears from the massacre that is playing out on my TV right now.  The unthinkable has happened... somehow, American Idol got their grubby little hands on selections from the Lennon/McCartney songbook.  Many of your favorite Beatles songs are currently being mercilessly butchered on prime time television.  How could they.  Is nothing sacred?

Tonight we told the last of the grand parents.  It still feels really weird to me to be openly discussing this pregnancy so early.  I'm so used to keeping the big secret until that magic 13 week marker.

Today was a good day. Didn't feel too sick. Was able to eat, or not eat, without feeling nauseous. Also wasn't begging for a nap more than the baby. R. was such a good boy all day. We even got to go visit with a friend of mine who I haven't seen in a long time. He quietly played on her office floor while we chatted and caught up. Dave had an important meeting today and it went really well. Then the in-laws came by for dinner. A pretty good day.

Yet another blood test today to check my hormone levels. No more need for Estrogen but I still have to take the Endometrin, at least until my next doc appointment on Monday.

Tomorrow we have an appointment for genetic counseling. I'm not exactly sure what that means. I mean, I know it's because I'm old, ok, I get that. But, there's nothing particularly alarming in either of our family histories. Well... there's my mom... and the way she just... is. And ok, my brothers- they would require me to start an entirely other blog to tell that story. We already have a CVS scheduled for two weeks from now (again, I'm old). So, if anything I'll have a good two weeks to worry about whatever is uncovered tomorrow and whatever will be confirmed with a CVS. At least I'll have something to do.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Today's Jumble

Broke out my pregnancy pillow this weekend.  I can't believe it's already that time.  I know it's definitely early to need a body pillow but, since the surgery it's been really hard to get comfortable at night.  My pillow has a name, it's called a Comfort-U.  I think the U stands for Uterus because that's pretty much what it is.  It's an enormous fluffy U shaped pillow that takes up most of the bed.  I am literally surrounded by it, like my own personal Uterus.  It really is very comfortable, however, for some reason the manufacturers stuffed it with some god awful material that retains and possibly conducts heat.  So, I usually wake up throughout the night sweating my ass off.  Kinda detracts from the whole comforting aspect.

Had blood drawn... again, to test my estrogen and progesterone levels last week.  Once again my doc changed my hormone supplements for the week.  Yesterday, was hopefully my last Endometrin suppository.  Having blood taken again tomorrow to confirm my levels are good on their own.

I had so many other things to blog about from this week but it's been so hard to retain anything lately. I guess I should have been writing it down. Oh well, maybe it will come back to me. But, I doubt it.

One thing I remember, but only because it's on my calendar, I signed up for a sewing class. I'm pretty excited. It's really just a refresher. I thought it would help get me more motivated to finish (or start) some of the many projects I have lined up in my head. Ok, not in my head, on post-its on my desktop. Better than in my head.

Ok, so this is a very boring post. I felt obligated to write something since it's been a week. But, as shitty as this is, it still took everything in me to get it done. The hormones are taking their toll this week. I've been feeling- list every possible range of emotions here- all week.

Pregnancy hormones are hard to get a handle on. And for me, it's not just happy or sad, irritable or tired. It's also soul searching and deeply depressing. Doubting every decision that lead me to this point and isolating. Writers-blocking and everything else-blocking. Not sure what to do with myself and just generally feeling stuck-ness.

So, I guess that's really what I should be blogging about. Because, that is after all the reality of this whole pregnancy thing. For me, at least. But, I don't want to fall into the trap of using my writing to express only the negative in my life or in my head. That can easily happen since there is a lot there at times that would fall into that category. 

Maybe like publicity, good or bad, it's still publicity. Writing, good or bad, funny or depressing, is still writing.

Monday, March 3, 2008

8 wks 3 days

Had another ultrasound today.  The baby is now 8 weeks and 3 days gestation.  Today was the first time it all seemed real.  Like maybe this one will last.  It actually looked like something more than a blob.  We could even see it's little arm and leg buds moving around.  I finally had that moment of happiness that I remembered having when we first saw R.'s heartbeat blinking away.  In fact, during my whole pregnancy with him we referred to him as blinky.  Now we have blinky-2, electric boogaloo. (sorry about that, I am ashamed at my hackiness)

Our happy-cry time was of course short lived as we started to have the talk of the inevitable pre-natal screenings. With R. we had a Nuchal Translucency that showed some questionable stuff. We then had an Amnio which came back normal. I was 36 then. I'll be 39 when blinky-2 is born. Things can get a little dicier. So, we had the sit down with our doc about all the lovely tests I now will have to endure, what will likely happen if said tests come back unfavorable and what will occur if we have to make a "decision". Way to knock me back down, doc! I know I can always count on you for that.

So, b-2 you have a breather for the next few weeks than it's back to the stirrups for me for your first big test in life. Hope you pass!

Saturday, March 1, 2008

A Square Meal

It's Saturday and I successfully made it out of the house for at least most of it.  Still feeling the aftermath of the surgery.  Combine that with the morning sickness and life just sucks for me right now.  The nausea is definitely worse than last time.  Which I've heard is typical.  It hasn't helped things much that this week my doc doubled my hormone intake.  Hopefully I won't have to take them much longer.  We have yet another ultrasound on Monday.  I should be glad to be getting so much prenatal attention but, it gets a little old having a probe shoved into you on a weekly basis.  There's a bad joke in there but, I am too tired to muster it.

On the menu tonight... Steak-Um sandwiches and top ramen. That's the craving of the moment. I will be regretting it shortly thereafter.